As a counselor, I have often been challenged to understand the meaning of God's command in Exodus 20:12, "Honor thy father and mother." Over the course of my career, I have worked with very dysfunctional families, abusive (emotionally, physically, sexually, even spiritually) parents, and also the children (adults and youth) of abusive parents. In these families there have been deep wounds inflicted, sometimes by accident, sometimes by intent.
For those who have received deep wounds from their parents, the following question often arises, "How can I and why should I honor my parents who have hurt me so deeply?" The greater question is, "How can I honor those people who have hurt me without saying that what they did was ok?" These are valid questions that need to be answered, and in order to do so, we need to understand exactly what God means by "honor".
Many times throughout scripture we are commanded to love our enemy and in abusive situations, the abuser is seen as the enemy. The next question is "how can I 'love' my enemy, the person(s) who hurt me so deeply, and not hold them accountable for what they have done to me?"
1 Corinthians 13 explains how we are to love even our enemies. The love described here is not an emotional, "mushy", romantic kind of love, but a respectful, honoring kind of love. This passage tells us to be patient, and kind, which has nothing to do with emotions or feelings; we are not to be envious, or boastful, rude, self-seeking or easily angered, again having nothing to do with feelings; we are to keep no record of wrongs. We are not to delight in evil, even when we think the other person deserves what they get.
Given all of this information, how are we to honor our parents, even those who have inflicted great wounds? We simply live out 1 Corinthians 13. We show respect, which has nothing to do with how others treat us, but everything to do with how we choose to treat others.
No parent does everything right and some do many things terribly wrong. No matter which experience we have had with our parents, good or bad, we are commanded by God to love and honor our parents. We cannot change the past, what is done is done, but we can change the future by how we respond in the present. As believers, we live out God's command by being kind, patient and respectful in every way to everyone we come in contact with, including those who have hurt us, because our behavior is a reflection of who we are in Christ, not who the other person is or what they have done to us.
I pray that we will diligently look for ways to honor our parents and in so doing, we will honor God, our Heavenly Father.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Seasons of Parenting - Part II
I had a very interesting,yet startling conversation with my young adult daughter the other day. She had called to talk about some major decisions that she was needing to make and wanted to process with me and seek my counsel.
She now has a very special someone in her life and they are discussing long-term commitments to one another. After she shared with me some new opportunities opening up for her, I asked her if she had talked to her special someone about all of this. She said it had not occurred to her to discuss these things with him. She has become so accustomed to talking with dear 'ol mom and needing to make decisions on her own that it never crossed her mind to her to get his input on these things too.
I reminded her that, of course she is ALWAYS welcome to talk with me about whatever is on her heart, because this young man is filling a very important role in her life now too, it will be important to include him in these life decisions. I encouraged her to seek his counsel and to place value on what he thinks, consider his thoughts/feelings and her own as she makes her decisions. The final decision is hers to make, but seeking wise, Godly counsel from important people in her life is always a right thing to do.
The final thought that I left her with was that, now that this young man is very seriously in her life, it will be important for her to value his opinion even more than mine because these life decisions have great potential to impact their relationship very profoundly, I am simply a bystander and our relationship (my daughter's and mine) will remain the same no matter what the final outcome is.
When these words came out of my mouth, I questioned what I had just done. . . .redirected my daughter to someone else before me! It did not feel good, but it felt very right. Even though my daughter is not engaged or married yet, I was being led by the spirit to begin teaching my daughter how to be a Godly wife, seeking her husband's counsel even before her mother's. Scripture tells us in Genesis 2:24-25 that "For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." This leaving the parents applies to the woman as well.
As a counselor, I cannot tell you the number of couples that I have counseled that had very difficult marital issues stemming from one or the other spouse being connected with their mother in unhealthy ways, putting the mother before even their spouse.
I love my daughter very much and I long to be there for her always, but there will soon come a time when her husband will take precedence over me, and that is as it should be. I have confidence that no one will ever be able to take my place in her life, and I must be willing to surrender my #2 position to her husband as God ordained.
I know that she is in good hands, those of her Heavenly Father and those of her special someone. Just as she is making room for him in her life, I am choosing to make room for him in mine as well. I pray for God's richest blessings on their budding relationship and am asking God to help them establish a healthy, loving relationship for God first, then one another, then for mom and dad and everyone else.
This is yet another season in my life as a parent. It is exciting, yet somewhat painful to see my blessed children growing up, finding their life partners, and starting to have their own families. I am learning my new role in their lives and am nestling in. Life is good!
She now has a very special someone in her life and they are discussing long-term commitments to one another. After she shared with me some new opportunities opening up for her, I asked her if she had talked to her special someone about all of this. She said it had not occurred to her to discuss these things with him. She has become so accustomed to talking with dear 'ol mom and needing to make decisions on her own that it never crossed her mind to her to get his input on these things too.
I reminded her that, of course she is ALWAYS welcome to talk with me about whatever is on her heart, because this young man is filling a very important role in her life now too, it will be important to include him in these life decisions. I encouraged her to seek his counsel and to place value on what he thinks, consider his thoughts/feelings and her own as she makes her decisions. The final decision is hers to make, but seeking wise, Godly counsel from important people in her life is always a right thing to do.
The final thought that I left her with was that, now that this young man is very seriously in her life, it will be important for her to value his opinion even more than mine because these life decisions have great potential to impact their relationship very profoundly, I am simply a bystander and our relationship (my daughter's and mine) will remain the same no matter what the final outcome is.
When these words came out of my mouth, I questioned what I had just done. . . .redirected my daughter to someone else before me! It did not feel good, but it felt very right. Even though my daughter is not engaged or married yet, I was being led by the spirit to begin teaching my daughter how to be a Godly wife, seeking her husband's counsel even before her mother's. Scripture tells us in Genesis 2:24-25 that "For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." This leaving the parents applies to the woman as well.
As a counselor, I cannot tell you the number of couples that I have counseled that had very difficult marital issues stemming from one or the other spouse being connected with their mother in unhealthy ways, putting the mother before even their spouse.
I love my daughter very much and I long to be there for her always, but there will soon come a time when her husband will take precedence over me, and that is as it should be. I have confidence that no one will ever be able to take my place in her life, and I must be willing to surrender my #2 position to her husband as God ordained.
I know that she is in good hands, those of her Heavenly Father and those of her special someone. Just as she is making room for him in her life, I am choosing to make room for him in mine as well. I pray for God's richest blessings on their budding relationship and am asking God to help them establish a healthy, loving relationship for God first, then one another, then for mom and dad and everyone else.
This is yet another season in my life as a parent. It is exciting, yet somewhat painful to see my blessed children growing up, finding their life partners, and starting to have their own families. I am learning my new role in their lives and am nestling in. Life is good!
Friday, August 6, 2010
God Is So Good!
I have so many things to write about today. . . .but so little time! I made a promise to the Lord a long time ago that when I wanted to brag, I would brag about the things He is doing, not the things I am doing. Whenever I saw God moving in and through H2H I would give Him all the honor, glory and praise, because He is the only one who truly deserves it. Today I want/need to do some bragging about my God.
For the last several months, I have been beseeching God to provide for His ministry at H2H. I waited and waited and waited, but saw our needs continuing to grow. I was becoming increasingly impatient, frustrated and quite frankly scared. I knew that God was hearing my prayers, but wasn't quite sure why I wasn't seeing the financial deliverance I felt that we needed. I was encouraged to hang in there because every now and then I would see small things that gave me encouragement and hope, but no answers of deliverance. . . .until yesterday!
Yesterday morning during my quiet time, I wrote in my daily journal very simply that I am choosing to believe God's promises, with or without seeing answers to my prayers. I will stand on God's promises in His word, because that is where my hope (blessed assurance) is. The journal entry was very short and to the point.
I got to the office and went to pick up the mail. Lo and behold, there was an envelope in the mail from an area church that has had limited involvement with H2H. When I opened the envelope I was STUNNED at what I saw. There was a check for over $2,700 written to H2H with a letter of explanation. The church has made a commitment to the Lord to periodically do an assessment of their financial needs compared to their income. They have pledged to give 100% of the "profit" to three types of ministries, local, global, and ministries that serve disasters. H2H was identified as being the local ministry to receive a portion of their "profit".
It is easy to be thankful for the church, but first and foremost, I want to thank God for this AMAZING blessing! He was the one who moved in the hearts of those who were responsible for making the decisions about who the recipients would be. All praise and glory and honor go to God first. Next, I am very thankful to those leaders and the church for being sensitive to the Lord's leading and prompting in this matter and for making this donation to H2H.
God is so good and worthy of our praise! When we have God-sized needs (and we did), God shows up with God-sized answers to those needs (and He did)! Praise the Lord!!
For the last several months, I have been beseeching God to provide for His ministry at H2H. I waited and waited and waited, but saw our needs continuing to grow. I was becoming increasingly impatient, frustrated and quite frankly scared. I knew that God was hearing my prayers, but wasn't quite sure why I wasn't seeing the financial deliverance I felt that we needed. I was encouraged to hang in there because every now and then I would see small things that gave me encouragement and hope, but no answers of deliverance. . . .until yesterday!
Yesterday morning during my quiet time, I wrote in my daily journal very simply that I am choosing to believe God's promises, with or without seeing answers to my prayers. I will stand on God's promises in His word, because that is where my hope (blessed assurance) is. The journal entry was very short and to the point.
I got to the office and went to pick up the mail. Lo and behold, there was an envelope in the mail from an area church that has had limited involvement with H2H. When I opened the envelope I was STUNNED at what I saw. There was a check for over $2,700 written to H2H with a letter of explanation. The church has made a commitment to the Lord to periodically do an assessment of their financial needs compared to their income. They have pledged to give 100% of the "profit" to three types of ministries, local, global, and ministries that serve disasters. H2H was identified as being the local ministry to receive a portion of their "profit".
It is easy to be thankful for the church, but first and foremost, I want to thank God for this AMAZING blessing! He was the one who moved in the hearts of those who were responsible for making the decisions about who the recipients would be. All praise and glory and honor go to God first. Next, I am very thankful to those leaders and the church for being sensitive to the Lord's leading and prompting in this matter and for making this donation to H2H.
God is so good and worthy of our praise! When we have God-sized needs (and we did), God shows up with God-sized answers to those needs (and He did)! Praise the Lord!!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Adrenaline & Worship?
For my professional credentials, I am required to earn 30 continuing education credits each year. This year I have chosen to take a 30 hour class on addictions to meet this requirement. I just completed a section on adrenaline addiction. The presenter, Archibald Hart, Ph.D., discussed the physiological purpose for adrenaline (to deal with emergencies, for short-term use), what triggers the body to produce adrenaline (high risk activities, stimulating games/activities, danger etc.) and how our own bodies become addicted to this chemical through craving the feel-good experience we get during the adrenaline rush.
In his presentation, Dr. Hart shared some very interesting thoughts regarding worship and adrenaline. He stated that "spirituality should not be adrenaline or excitement driven. Worship should offer peacefulness." He cautioned believers to be careful about the design of the worship experience, that it be driven by peace as opposed to being driven by excitement, which produces adrenaline.
It is important to understand that the chemical adrenaline itself "gives a heightened sense of well-being which can be misleading". With this in mind, it is understandable why people like excitement in their worship experience, because this excitement does produce adrenaline, which feels very good. However, it behooves us to evaluate where the sense of well-being is coming from, our worship of our heavenly Father, or from the effects of the adrenaline produced by our own human bodies during the worship experience.
The key question seems to be this. . . . .does our worship produce peace or an adrenaline rush that feels good? Dr. Hart encouraged us to manage (take control of) our own adrenaline, to work to enhance peacefulness (especially in our spiritual experience), incorporate healthy physical changes, work to learn how to let go of things/activities/feelings of being responsible for EVERYONE, etc.
What I am hearing from Dr. Hart is that we need more peace in every aspect of our life, especially during our spiritual worship experience. We must seek after the peace that passes all understanding comes from God alone.
In his presentation, Dr. Hart shared some very interesting thoughts regarding worship and adrenaline. He stated that "spirituality should not be adrenaline or excitement driven. Worship should offer peacefulness." He cautioned believers to be careful about the design of the worship experience, that it be driven by peace as opposed to being driven by excitement, which produces adrenaline.
It is important to understand that the chemical adrenaline itself "gives a heightened sense of well-being which can be misleading". With this in mind, it is understandable why people like excitement in their worship experience, because this excitement does produce adrenaline, which feels very good. However, it behooves us to evaluate where the sense of well-being is coming from, our worship of our heavenly Father, or from the effects of the adrenaline produced by our own human bodies during the worship experience.
The key question seems to be this. . . . .does our worship produce peace or an adrenaline rush that feels good? Dr. Hart encouraged us to manage (take control of) our own adrenaline, to work to enhance peacefulness (especially in our spiritual experience), incorporate healthy physical changes, work to learn how to let go of things/activities/feelings of being responsible for EVERYONE, etc.
What I am hearing from Dr. Hart is that we need more peace in every aspect of our life, especially during our spiritual worship experience. We must seek after the peace that passes all understanding comes from God alone.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Seasons of Life
Have you ever noticed that different aspects of life have their own "seasons"? This has just occurred to me! Our family's life has transitioned into a new season very recently. My husband and I have just became grandparents to the most beautiful little girl in our world. (I think that most if not all grandparents claim that their grand babies are the most beautiful babies in the world.) This is most definitely a new and wonderful season of family life for us.
My role as a daughter has also transitioned into a new season. My mother is aging and I am transitioning from being her child to becoming her caregiver. I am starting to parent my parent. This is a most befuddling and weird season of life that most children experience at some point with their parents. This phenomenon happens for many reasons, i.e. when parents age, health issues develop, tragedy strikes, etc.
My family's financial situation has it's own "seasons". We currently are in a season of "financial drought", when finances are very tight. Many families are in this same situation because of the current economic climate. This season has the great potential to be very frightening and discouraging if we do not keep our eyes on God and His provision.
My career, relationships with my husband, children, parents, and friends have also gone through seasons. The one thing that I have learned about seasons is that they change! There is a definite beginning and end to each season. Some seasons I would love to have stay the same forever, but don't and some I hope and pray will pass quickly, sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.
Even though our finances are in distress, I am finding great joy in my new granddaughter. Even though I am becoming a caregiver for my mom (of which is a huge honor in spite of the challenges), I am loving being a parent to wonderful young adult children.
The moral of this blog is this, if one part of your life is in a difficult season, look at other parts of your life. You may find that other parts are in fun, good seasons and you will find great encouragement from them. Be careful to NOT allow your focus to be soley on the hard seasons, find joy in the good seasons as well, for this is a choice that we all have. It does take concerted effort at times to find areas of our lives that are in a good season, but they are there. If you look, you will find them!
My role as a daughter has also transitioned into a new season. My mother is aging and I am transitioning from being her child to becoming her caregiver. I am starting to parent my parent. This is a most befuddling and weird season of life that most children experience at some point with their parents. This phenomenon happens for many reasons, i.e. when parents age, health issues develop, tragedy strikes, etc.
My family's financial situation has it's own "seasons". We currently are in a season of "financial drought", when finances are very tight. Many families are in this same situation because of the current economic climate. This season has the great potential to be very frightening and discouraging if we do not keep our eyes on God and His provision.
My career, relationships with my husband, children, parents, and friends have also gone through seasons. The one thing that I have learned about seasons is that they change! There is a definite beginning and end to each season. Some seasons I would love to have stay the same forever, but don't and some I hope and pray will pass quickly, sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.
Even though our finances are in distress, I am finding great joy in my new granddaughter. Even though I am becoming a caregiver for my mom (of which is a huge honor in spite of the challenges), I am loving being a parent to wonderful young adult children.
The moral of this blog is this, if one part of your life is in a difficult season, look at other parts of your life. You may find that other parts are in fun, good seasons and you will find great encouragement from them. Be careful to NOT allow your focus to be soley on the hard seasons, find joy in the good seasons as well, for this is a choice that we all have. It does take concerted effort at times to find areas of our lives that are in a good season, but they are there. If you look, you will find them!
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